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Two Horizons: A Conversation for Parents and their Graduating Senior

April 3, 2021 / / 0 Comments

Nostalgia and Frontier. A beginning and an end. This is why your conversations of late may feel a bit off course. You are looking at two different horizons.

Recently, I was listening to the podcast, 18 Summers: Candid Conversations about Family, interviewing on of my favorite authors and thinkers when it comes understanding relationships and insights into personal and spiritual growth, Dr. Kelly Flanagan.

He said something that made so much sense I wanted to share it with you.

If you are feeling tension with your graduating senior, if you are butting heads lately, if you are feeling uncomfortable with the amount of time you get with them…this may help.

When it comes to parents and graduating seniors, they are looking at two different horizons.

My kids are young, but parents, I know your pain. I’m looking at my firstborn heading to middle school and…while I don’t admit it often, I’m a bit of wreck about this. I can only imagine what you are feeling as your child approaches leaving the home and heading to begin life on their own.

For a parent, senior year is time of reflecting and nostalgia. Are you annoying your son or daughter with all the comments about remembering when they were young? I’m guessing you’d love to go back to a time when it was easier to spend time together and your paths crossed more often.

For parents, graduation is an end. An end to a season. A season that many don’t want to end.

For seniors they are looking at a different horizon. A horizon of beginnings, adventure, something fresh and new. While parents want to cling to the final remaining days, seniors are counting down the days until they embark into the great unknown.

The senior’s horizon beckons them to come and explore an open frontier. The parent’s horizon anxiously reminds them to cling tightly to the remaining days.

Basically, you are bringing different energies and agendas to the party.

TALK ABOUT IT

So, how do you navigate this.

Kelly recommends carving out some time to talk about it directly. Let them know you understand the horizon they are looking out onto. Share with them your horizon. Tell them you will do your best to support and encourage them as they prepare and grow in excitement. Ask them to be patient with you as you get anxious or want to pull them in closer and get frustrated by the lack of time together. Take some time to explore what they are excited about and ask how you can help them prepare.

Ultimately, this allows you all to be honest and open about the horizons in front of you. You can set expectations and gain greater understanding of each other. You can push them to move toward adulthood and allow yourself to let go while launching your child into the world.

Listen to the whole interview with Dr. Kelly Flanagan here.

Back to Normal?

August 23, 2017 / / 0 Comments

I’m willing to bet, the topic of conversation in most families and homes right now is, “What is this year going to be like?  What is our new normal?  How will sports, carpool, new schools, transitions, extracurricular’s, etc. change our day to day routine?”  Or maybe for some, it’s “How are we even going to survive this year!?!”

No doubt the start of a new school year brings many different, exciting (and anxiety producing!) opportunities.  So my question to you is –

What will your rhythm/schedule be?

Is it possible to create a rhythm that feels more meaningful than just merely surviving?  If you already feel like you’re giving your all and barely keeping your head above water, I’m hopeful these simple ideas can help you move past survival mode and feel confident in your rhythm for this year.

TELL IT WHERE TO GO

You may have heard the quote that “a budget is telling money where to go, instead of wondering where it went.”  The idea is that money is going to go somewhere and you’ve got to be intentional about telling it where to go.  I think the same is true with our time.  Time is always on the move.  We all feel time starved and we wonder where the time has gone.

My invitation to you, as you start off a new year, is to think through how you can tell time where it will go and how it will be spent.  My friends over at Parent Cue have provided some great resources to help us as parent think through how we can leverage our naturally busy lives, but also find ways to bring meaning into the chaos!  (You can find out more this idea and their app here)

The idea is simple.  Since parents can’t cram anything else into their busy schedules, they help parents use the time they already have.  There are natural times during the daily routine where you, as parents, have opportunity to connect with the heart of your child.  What if we take these times and tell them how they will be used and leverage the natural opportunity they present?

It’s highly likely that if you are a parent of young kids up to middle school, you have these natural parts of your day already in your schedule:

Morning Time
Drive Time
Meal Time
Bed Time

What would it look like for you to start to think about these time as opportunities to connect with the heart of your child?

I imagine those parents with high school students would tell us these times go fast.  That drive time, meal time, and bed time are rhythms that only last so long.  I imagine they would invite us to take advantage of the time while we have it.
(Don’t worry high school parents, Parent Cue has ideas for you as well!)

DON’T LET THEM RIDE THE BUS

Personally, after thinking through this, I realized that I had a great opportunity to spend 15-20 minutes with my child on the way to elementary school each day.  I decided to commit to driving my kids to school (aka not letting them ride the bus everyday, even though they want to!) and using that time intentionally.

Do I plan each morning?  Nope.
Do I know what I’m going to say before I say it?  Sometimes.

I do occasionally make a plan, but more importantly I’ve made the decision to be present and open to connecting with my child.  No phone calls, no worrying about traffic, no radio, sports talk, or podcasts.

The reality is I don’t do much.  My child often recognizes my being present and offers up the topic of conversation that day.  It’s actually fairly easy.    I also believe it’s meaningful.  I recognize that these fleeting moments are building a foundation for a relationship that will hopefully survive adolescence and last into adulthood.  At least that’s the end game!

I know of another middle school family who realized the only chance they had to have a meal together was breakfast, so they carved out some time to eat together in the morning.  It’s a cherished time for them of pep talks for the day, connecting, and being together.

So, as you start this year, what will your rhythm be?  What are some natural times in your day that you can begin to leverage to connect with your child?

I would love to hear your thoughts or ideas!

 

This post may be helpful as you think through this topic – https://www.parentingthoughts.com/2017/03/just-talk-about-it-how-to-have-spiritual-conversations/

See more about the Parent Cue App here:

Just Talk About It: How to Have Spiritual Conversations

March 7, 2017 / / 0 Comments

 

Why do we find it so hard to talk about spiritual things in our families?

Maybe you don’t have this problem, but I’ve often found that these conversations are best described as rigid, whereas conversations about other parts of life are free-flowing.

It’s the difference between a family meal around fine china vs. a meal using everyday dishes.  As soon as the fine china comes out, there are certain expectations and unspoken rules that accompany them.  Everybody’s slightly on edge and doesn’t want to be the one to break something.  Spiritual conversations can feel the same way.

Frankly, I think we make this way too hard and it’s actually a lot easier than we think.

(Explore the Fine China analogy further here:  https://www.parentingthoughts.com/2014/04/fine-china-vs-everyday-dishes/)

Awhile back, we lost a family member.  We gathered our kids in the kitchen to let them know – their first experience with death.  We carefully explained to them what happened and gave our best attempt to be honest and help them understand.  Their reaction – nothing!  A simple “ok!” and on to the next thing.

I’ll be honest, I thought they missed it. However, in the weeks and even months following, little conversations and comments began coming out.  In the car driving to school, during a conversation before bed – our kids would process that conversation over and over again.  They would make statements or ask questions that showed they were processing what they heard and making connections to God and hope and loss.

There was more going on than I realized that day in the kitchen.

JUST TALK ABOUT IT

It doesn’t have to be profound.  It doesn’t have to be something you don’t understand.  Just talk about it.  Spiritual conversations can be as natural as any other conversation.  If I’m honest, I think spiritually more than I talk spiritually.  Now I’m trying to say aloud what I’m already thinking. 

Try talking out loud about these things, you’re probably already thinking about:

A simple comment about God creating a beautiful sunset.
Saying a quick prayer out loud for someone that came up that could use some prayer.
Something you’ve learned about God recently.
Talk about someone in need of some love and brainstorm ways to show them love.  Then do it!
Confess where you’ve recently messed up and be thankful for God’s forgiveness and invitation to grow.

Here’s what might happen:

Nothing.

Most likely, this conversation will not be magical in the moment.  There might be zero reaction.  There might even be a move in the opposite direction.  Didn’t we just talk about loving others and you did that to your sister?

Don’t let that discourage you, because there is more going on than you think.  Keep talking about it.

Here’s what I’ve experienced – the more I talk about it, the more they talk about it.  The more they ask questions.  The more they take a shot at understanding God or applying his love to their world.

Again, it’s rarely in the moment.  It often comes when there is time to think – car rides, conversations before bed, family meals together.

QUICK PSA – If you are too distracted in car rides for conversation with your child, too busy for a family meal every now and then,  or too tired for conversations at bedtime, then make a change!  I would wager 75% or more of the spiritual conversations I’ve had with my kids have been in these venues. 

It takes some space and normalcy for this to happen in my experience.

DON’T BELIEVE THE EXCUSE

Many might protest, but I don’t have the faith of _______ (fill in the blank).  It doesn’t matter.  Talk about the faith you have or don’t have.  Talk about how you want to understand God better.  Talk about how you want to practice loving others better in your life.  Talk about whatever faith you have.

If you are truly willing to share the faith you have…if you are willing to engage the spiritual things of life, at whatever level you can, then you will be giving your kids a front row seat to seeing someone engage God with their life.

They get a front row seat to God’s grace and activity in someone’s life!  How great is that?!?!  I promise you this is better than trying to sound smarter than you are or sharing what you think you’re supposed to with zero authenticity attached to it.

Keep it simple – it doesn’t matter if you’re a spiritual giant or not, just talk about it.

As you do, my guess is that there will be plenty of evidence that they are engaging as well and before you know it, spiritual conversations won’t be rigid or heavy, but free-flowing and as natural as any other conversation in your home.

Some of my favorite conversations with my kids have come months later as they’ve been connecting the dots in their head all along, because I simply had the courage to talk about it.  I hope the same for you.

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