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6 Things Over Time Every Kid Needs

April 13, 2016 / / 0 Comments

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“What you do this week matters.”

Last week, we set up this conversation to look at how we can better navigate this thing called life. While we can’t be prepared for everything (and this is actually a gift!), we can take a look at how we strategically invest in our sons or daughters over time to make an impact.  (Read last week’s post, Prepare to Be Unprepared here.)

As mentioned, the basic idea stems from a number and a scripture:

From the time a child is born you have 936 weeks until they graduate high school.

“Teach us to number our days, so that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Ps 90:12

What we do over time cultivates what matters in the hearts of our children.

Whatever matters, will matter more over time.

Orange identified 6 things we can strategically focus on over time to influence and cultivate the hearts of our children. I’ll briefly outline the concept and then highlight a key habit to help us along the way.

TIME OVER TIME

It takes TIME over TIME to make a history worth repeating.

Habit: Visualize Time.
Imagine if you put 936 marbles in a jar the day your child is born.
Now imagine that each week you take one out.

How might this affect the way you parent your child?

On the one hand, you will realize time matters and you only have so much time to work with. If you kids is 9 years old, you will realize you’ve already lost half your marbles!

On the other hand, you realize that you have a significant amount of time to influence your child and you might just get excited about how you can do that this week! It takes the pressure off everything happening in a moment!

“When you see how much TIME you have left, you tend to do more with the TIME you have now.”

LOVE OVER TIME

Love over time is the one thing that matters most.

Habit:  Prove it!
“It’s really pretty simple.  When we show up and make rules, we prove to them we care.  When they break the rules and we show up anyway, we prove to them we still care.  We prove to them they have worth, and we are committed to them even when it’s difficult, inconvenient, and messy.”

There are days we don’t really like our kids.  Days we don’t want to wade into the mess.  Love over time shows them their self-worth.  It helps them understand a God of unconditional love.  It invites them to love others.  If you do nothing else, show your kids you love them over time.

WORDS OVER TIME

WORDS over TIME can impact someone’s direction in life.

Habit:  Expand your vocabulary.
A few words can make a big difference in the direction of someone’s life.

I’ve seen people who do this well – when they speak, their words give life.  Has your teen tuned you out?  Maybe it’s time to change the language and expand your vocabulary, but don’t doubt that your words have power.

When’s the last time your really encouraged your son or daughter.  Try one of these this week – I remember when…, I have noticed…, I hope you know…, I’m really glad…., I’ve been thinking…

STORIES OVER TIME

STORIES over TIME move us to imagine a world beyond ourselves.

Habit:  Amplify the story.
“Every week, you have an opportunity to tell the story to the next generation in a way that will captivate their imagination and move them not only to fall in love with the story itself, but to fall in love with the God who created the story and who was has invited them to be a part of it.”

What stories are you telling?  What stories are you creating?  What stories are worth re-telling?  Just like a great movie, you have the opportunity over time to invite your kids into God’s larger story!

TRIBES OVER TIME

TRIBES over TIME show us how we belong.

Habit:  Go in Circles.
“If kids need to connect in tribes (community) over time in order to understand how they belong, we as parents need to be intentional about how we create circles that will make them feel like they are part of a tribe.”

We all have heard the benefits of eating a meal together.  Well, here it is again.  Eat a meal as a family.  Invite key people over for meals.  Enjoy and help them experience the richness of community.

FUN OVER TIME

FUN over TIME makes a friendship go deeper.

Habit:  Make it Fun.
“You show them you care when you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to just have fun.  So loosen up.”

“The joy of the Lord is your strength.”  There really is a lot packed into that little scripture.  Go have some fun this week!

 

Now, that you’ve heard these six concepts, what key concepts are you already doing well?
Do you see how this isn’t now or never, but you can build something over time?
How does this change your perspective on how you parent this week?

Want to further explore these ideas, here’s the book to help:  Playing for Keeps: 6 Things Every Kid Needs

Parenting Technology: Why Fairness Doesn’t Matter

December 14, 2015 / / 0 Comments

As a parent of young kids, I realize that I will be part of a new frontier of parenting – mainly, from the moment my kids can go online they will begin to build a digital footprint specific to them.  I need to help them understand this from a very young age.  This next generation and the current one need to be incredibly thoughtful about how they help their kids navigate this ever-changing and ever-challenging world of technology.

If you haven’t thought about your child’s usage of technology or how to put helpful parameters up to protect and created strategies to help grow them to maturity around this issue, I highly encourage you to stop now and consider it.  (If you need some help, you can go here:  Raising Kids in the Digital Age and Get Off Your Phone! A Few Tips for Restricting the Use of Technology)

I ran across a great post by Kara Powell, “Why Technology is the One Area of Our Family that’s Not Fair.”  She shares this about her family’s practice –

We try to keep things “fair” among our kids. At least sort of.

Nathan started making his own lunch in second grade. When Krista and Jessica entered second grade, we expected the same of them.

Krista got her ears pierced when she was ten. When Jessica turns ten, she will have that same opportunity.

We’re not always perfect. Far from it. But we don’t want our kids to think we play favorites.

But we’ve told all our kids that technology won’t be fair.

Just because Nathan was allowed to set up a Facebook account when he turned 13 doesn’t mean the girls will get the same social media access.

Even though Nathan got a smart phone when he turned 14 (he was one of the last kids in his grade to get one), Krista shouldn’t assume one will head her way when she hits that age. Nor should Jessica.

When it comes to technology, we’ve told our kids that they need to show us they are responsible.

There are two types of responsibility.

 
The first is taking care of your devices. And for our child who left their “dumb phone” (as they call it) in their shorts and it went through our washing machine, you lost some responsibility points that day. (And yes, that child had to spend their own money to replace that phone, which luckily for them, wasn’t all that expensive).

But that’s the easier type of responsibility. It’s pretty clear-cut for everyone.

The second type of responsibility—showing us you make good choices in how you use technology and digital media—is much tougher. For our kids. And for us.

Some of the questions we’re discerning as we assess their progress in that type of responsibility are:

  • Do you obey the guidelines that our family has agreed upon in terms of when, how, and where you can use your devices?
  • Do you have a history of making good decisions when new temptations or opportunities arise that we don’t have rules about?
  • Is your technology helping or hindering your relationships with our family? I love it when my two older kids text me. I hate it when I’m trying to talk to my kids and I can tell they are distracted by the presence of their devices (even if they aren’t on their devices, if those devices are nearby, they still have a strong gravitational pull).
  • Is the way you use technology affecting your homework or chores? One of our children had been skyping with friends while doing homework. Social life benefitted, but grades suffered. So the rule with that child is now “no skyping until homework is done.” We haven’t set up that rule with the other two. They haven’t seemed to need it. So far.

Parents, be fair in other areas. But you do not need to be fair with your child’s exposure to technology and digital media. The stakes are too high. Know each child and create the best support and boundaries for them individually.

What else do you do to try to assess if your kid’s ready for the social media portal or device they are begging for?

– See more at: https://fulleryouthinstitute.org/blog/why-technology-is-the-one-area?utm_source=E-Journal+%2F+Parent+Update&utm_campaign=0645f9ae22-FYI+E-Journal+June+11+2015&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_e88a54a953-0645f9ae22-312799030#sthash.FbyiVxNh.dpuf

I’m curious, how have you handled this in your family?  Do you agree that when it comes to technology -“one size doesn’t fit all”?  What parameters have you set in place for your child to protect them and to grow them in regards to technology?

You Are Changing Your Brain and You May Not Know It

December 3, 2015 / / 0 Comments

Just a head’s up – this post talks about the ways porn changes your brain.  It also talks about the way scripture and prayer changes your brain.  Basically how you live, your choices, your experiences, your habits…etc. are all changing your brain and affecting who you are becoming.  I hope you’re paying attention.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12: 2

God changes your brain.
I remember first reading about this idea several years ago in a book by Mark Batterson.  There has been tons of great research on neuroplasticity – the ability of the brain to change – and I was fascinated when Mark suggested that by reading scripture we are physically rewiring our brain with the thoughts of God.  He even suggested that this could  be a very real way that Romans 12:2 is played out in our lives – reading Scripture and sending those messages through our brains is physically rewiring them and therefore “renewing our minds”.  Since then, I’ve seen this play out in my life as I noticed my negative or debilitating thought patterns and habits and sought to fight them with truth from Scripture.  God changes your brain.

Pornography changes your brain.
In my work with students, I’ve also noticed the prevalence of consistent pornography usage among teens.  They don’t know it, but this consistent viewing is changing their brains.  Follow this natural progression:  When a student is bored or lonely (both experiences are heightened for today’s teenagers in our social media/comparison world) they are longing for connection.  Pornography is easy to access and offers a false, but temporarily satisfying, sense of connection.  They view it and dopamine rushes through the brain.  They repeat the pattern and eventually the brain has been hardwired to seek pornography when the student feels bored or lonely.  Their first thought/instinct when they are bored or lonely will be to look at porn.  Pornography changes your brain.

 

There is a lot to say on both of these topics, but I would invite you to read these two articles.  They are simple, but give some great food for thought.

Both of these articles talk about activities that change your brain.  Both of these things have the power to change us fundamentally.  Both of these things are easy for you to access at this moment.  Both are easy for you son or daughter to access at this moment.

Parents, these could be great conversation starters for your child.  It could be interesting to read them both to them and ask them what they think.  Ask them if they knew porn had such negative effects.  Ask them if they are surprised that our brains respond to God in this way.

(you can see more about the effects of porn on your brain, heart, and society over at fightthenewdrug.org )

So, here’s the articles…

Article 1 – Porn Changes the Brain

Article 2 – How Your Brain is Wired for God

Seriously, read them…they’re short.  But in case you really don’t have the time…here are a few highlights:

ARTICLE 1

Quick Synopsis:  Neurons that fire together, wire together.  Just like other addictive substances, porn floods the brain with dopamine. That rush of brain chemicals happening over and over again rewires the brain’s reward pathway ultimately changing the make up of the viewer’s brain. This can result in an increased appetite for porn.

Yep, you read that right. Porn physically changes your brain.

A neuron is a brain cell, and when brain cells get activated at the same time by something you see or hear or smell or whatever, they release chemicals that help strengthen the connection between those neurons. [3] For example, when you eat something delicious, your brain releases dopamine, a chemical that makes you feel good. [4] Or if you hold hands with someone you care about, your brain releases a chemical called oxytocin, which helps you bond with people. [5]

Just like other addictive substances, porn floods the brain with dopamine. [7] But since the brain gets overwhelmed by the constant overload of chemicals that comes with consistent porn use, it fights back by taking away some of its dopamine receptors [8]—which are like tiny ears on the end of a neuron that hear dopamine’s message.

With fewer receptors, even if the brain is putting off the same levels of dopamine in response to porn, the user can’t feel dopamine’s effect as much. [9] As a result, the porn they were looking at doesn’t seem as arousing or exciting, and many porn users go hunting for more porn or more hardcore porn to get the effect the old porn used to offer. [10]

…

And here’s the really scary part: the more porn a person looks at, the more severe the damage to their brain becomes and the more difficult it is to break free. [17] But there’s good news too: neuroplasticity works both ways. That means that the damage to the brain can be undone when someone gets away from unhealthy behaviors.

ARTICLE 2

Scientists have been looking for a spot in the brain that corresponds with God. After all, there’s a place in your brain responsible for vision, language, memory and anger. Couldn’t there be a neurological God spot?

Our insights into how the brain works have gotten much more sophisticated in the last decade thanks to the emergence of new tools to image living brains. We have machines now that let us watch living brains in three dimensions without surgery or autopsy. This technology allows brain scientists to study believers as they pray, meditate, worship and experience God.

This research shows that there is no God spot. God doesn’t simply move into a spot in our brains—God redecorates. Believers have a complex, rich network in their brains for God. For the devout, God is not just an idea, but a tapestry of feelings and experiences. This network affects how our brains work at fundamental levels.

People who regularly focus on God’s love through prayer and meditation change. They experience less stress, and they even experience a reduction in blood pressure. Their prefrontal cortex, the part of their brain associated with focus and attention, becomes more active over time, helping them avoid distraction and be more intentional.

They also have more activity in their anterior cingulate cortex. That’s the part of our brain associated with love, compassion and empathy. Focusing on God’s love makes us more loving and less angry. It’s easier for us to forgive ourselves and others.

…

Science tells us that there is tremendous power in prayer. God will be most active and transforming in your brain if you pray for 30 minutes per day, at least four days per week. If you’ve ever wondered how to be closer to God, or why your walk with God is difficult, science says the answer is prayer.

Are our brains wired for God? Not only does science support the idea, but it also shows us that belief in God and an active prayer life can make us healthier, happier people who do good in the world.

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