ParentingThoughts

Parenting is Hard. You're More Than Capable. We'd Love to Help.

Tag: Parenting (Page 6 of 22)

They Need You

April 25, 2016 / / 0 Comments

“Myth:  Your teen doesn’t want a relationship with you.

Truth:  It’s not that your teen doesn’t want a relationship with you, they just want a different relationship.

Parents with teenagers don’t need to disengage, they need to re-engage and redefine.  They need you as much now as they did when they were a child.”

–Reggie Joiner

I bump into this thinking all the time.  Parents, for a multitude of reasons, start to back off the relationship with their teen.  They see the teen pushing for autonomy and often misinterpret some of that natural process as a direct challenge to the relationship.

The reality is as your teens approaches adulthood, they need you even more.

They don’t need the same relationship, but they still need you.

They need you to adjust to the fact they’re not a kid anymore.

They need you to redefine and re-imagine how you relate to them.

Don’t give up!  You have more influence than you know!

One of the greatest myths we could ever buy into is that high schoolers don’t need or want adults. The truth is, they don’t think they need adults when things seem to be going well. But inevitably there will be days when they do need someone. And the only way to be there when they need you is to prove that you care about them even when they think they don’t need you. So keep proving you care. Keep showing up when they push you away so they know you will be there when they need to talk.

–Kristen Ivy

How have you seen or experienced this dynamic?  Do you agree?
How can you can you adjust the way you relate to your teen to further your relationship?

 

“The Talk” Isn’t Enough

April 19, 2016 / / 0 Comments

pexels-photo-64057

During a recent presentation to parents on the problems surrounding pornography (which I’ll be sharing more of in the weeks to come) a fellow presenter made this statement:

“Gone are the days of the one and done Talk.”

I want to tell you this is absolutely true.

The infamous “talk” about the birds and bees doesn’t work.

It can’t be one and done.  It must be something different.

  • Studies will tell you the number one voice that is educating our kids about sexuality is the internet.
  • The average age a child see pornography for the first time is 11 years old.
  • Social media has created unique situations for students to navigate that they aren’t equipped to handle.

By the time you get the courage to share “the talk”, your son or daughter might already have been educated.  The words you share are not being heard fresh, but being filtered through what they think they already know.

On the ground level working with adolescents, I can tell you that I’ve seen plenty to believe the above.  As a parent, I want to invite you to view this conversation differently.

Gone are the days of “the talk”.  Instead, “the talk” is an ongoing conversation.
A conversation starting as early as 2 years old!

HOW TO HAVE AN ONGOING CONVERSATION

You may have heard the analogy that kids brains are like sponges.  I haven’t researched this scientifically, but I think this is helpful.

Imagine that you wait to have “the talk” when they are 15.  As you begin to share, they are filtering everything you say through what they have already heard, seen, or experienced.  The internet, their friends, stories of sexting or taking pictures for your boyfriend/girlfriend have already been taking up space in their brain.  Your words are clashing against those and your son or daughter is trying to reconcile it all.

Now imagine you start when they are 2 and you share them the appropriate names of body parts.
As they move into elementary age, you start to share about appropriate boundaries and privacy.  You talk to them about what makes them who they are and it’s not just looks or what people see on the outside.
Late elementary and into middle school, you begin to start talking about sexual systems, how their body is changing, and relationships with the opposite sex.
As they are leaving middle school and entering high school, you have laid the ground work and you at this point – you engage.  You hear about something, you talk to them about it.  They ask you a question, you do your best to answer.  You continue all the conversations you’ve already had and you take it a step further.

Does this make you nervous, don’t be.  Remember their brains are like sponges, so…

Now when they hear the conversations or see things on the internet, they are filtering that against what you have already told them.  They are making decisions weighing the content of what you have already taught them and not just what they are seeing or hearing from friends and culture.  If their brain is a sponge, it’s already pretty full and doesn’t have much room for the other stuff.

SO…

  • When your middle school daughter is being asked over text to send a boy a picture of herself in her underwear, she understands boundaries and relationships and can make a better decision.
    (I’ve recently read articles where girls are sharing these photos not because of any sexual desire, but simply other social pressures.  Parents of sons and daughters let’s talk about this directly!)
  • When your son sees pornography, he is not internalizing – “this must be what sex is like”, but has heard from you what sex is and what a loving relationship is like.

Gone are the days of the one and done talk.  It’s time to get in the game.  Don’t be afraid.  You will want to hesitate, postpone, or save it for another day.

Don’t.

Go ahead and talk about it.

Your kids need you to.

 

6 Things Over Time Every Kid Needs

April 13, 2016 / / 0 Comments

pexels-photo

“What you do this week matters.”

Last week, we set up this conversation to look at how we can better navigate this thing called life. While we can’t be prepared for everything (and this is actually a gift!), we can take a look at how we strategically invest in our sons or daughters over time to make an impact.  (Read last week’s post, Prepare to Be Unprepared here.)

As mentioned, the basic idea stems from a number and a scripture:

From the time a child is born you have 936 weeks until they graduate high school.

“Teach us to number our days, so that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Ps 90:12

What we do over time cultivates what matters in the hearts of our children.

Whatever matters, will matter more over time.

Orange identified 6 things we can strategically focus on over time to influence and cultivate the hearts of our children. I’ll briefly outline the concept and then highlight a key habit to help us along the way.

TIME OVER TIME

It takes TIME over TIME to make a history worth repeating.

Habit: Visualize Time.
Imagine if you put 936 marbles in a jar the day your child is born.
Now imagine that each week you take one out.

How might this affect the way you parent your child?

On the one hand, you will realize time matters and you only have so much time to work with. If you kids is 9 years old, you will realize you’ve already lost half your marbles!

On the other hand, you realize that you have a significant amount of time to influence your child and you might just get excited about how you can do that this week! It takes the pressure off everything happening in a moment!

“When you see how much TIME you have left, you tend to do more with the TIME you have now.”

LOVE OVER TIME

Love over time is the one thing that matters most.

Habit:  Prove it!
“It’s really pretty simple.  When we show up and make rules, we prove to them we care.  When they break the rules and we show up anyway, we prove to them we still care.  We prove to them they have worth, and we are committed to them even when it’s difficult, inconvenient, and messy.”

There are days we don’t really like our kids.  Days we don’t want to wade into the mess.  Love over time shows them their self-worth.  It helps them understand a God of unconditional love.  It invites them to love others.  If you do nothing else, show your kids you love them over time.

WORDS OVER TIME

WORDS over TIME can impact someone’s direction in life.

Habit:  Expand your vocabulary.
A few words can make a big difference in the direction of someone’s life.

I’ve seen people who do this well – when they speak, their words give life.  Has your teen tuned you out?  Maybe it’s time to change the language and expand your vocabulary, but don’t doubt that your words have power.

When’s the last time your really encouraged your son or daughter.  Try one of these this week – I remember when…, I have noticed…, I hope you know…, I’m really glad…., I’ve been thinking…

STORIES OVER TIME

STORIES over TIME move us to imagine a world beyond ourselves.

Habit:  Amplify the story.
“Every week, you have an opportunity to tell the story to the next generation in a way that will captivate their imagination and move them not only to fall in love with the story itself, but to fall in love with the God who created the story and who was has invited them to be a part of it.”

What stories are you telling?  What stories are you creating?  What stories are worth re-telling?  Just like a great movie, you have the opportunity over time to invite your kids into God’s larger story!

TRIBES OVER TIME

TRIBES over TIME show us how we belong.

Habit:  Go in Circles.
“If kids need to connect in tribes (community) over time in order to understand how they belong, we as parents need to be intentional about how we create circles that will make them feel like they are part of a tribe.”

We all have heard the benefits of eating a meal together.  Well, here it is again.  Eat a meal as a family.  Invite key people over for meals.  Enjoy and help them experience the richness of community.

FUN OVER TIME

FUN over TIME makes a friendship go deeper.

Habit:  Make it Fun.
“You show them you care when you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to just have fun.  So loosen up.”

“The joy of the Lord is your strength.”  There really is a lot packed into that little scripture.  Go have some fun this week!

 

Now, that you’ve heard these six concepts, what key concepts are you already doing well?
Do you see how this isn’t now or never, but you can build something over time?
How does this change your perspective on how you parent this week?

Want to further explore these ideas, here’s the book to help:  Playing for Keeps: 6 Things Every Kid Needs

« Older posts Newer posts »

Get Hope Delivered to Your Inbox!

Parenting is hard, but you're not alone! Enter your email here to get new posts delivered to your inbox!

Join 1,498 other subscribers

© 2024 ParentingThoughts

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑

Verified by ExactMetrics